It is estimated that one in four babies die through miscarriage in the UK each year, while 15 per day are stillborn, with many more dying in infancy. The emotional impact this has on parents can be unbearable, but nowone couple has turned their experience of tragedy into hope

Pregnancy is supposed to be the happiest of times; the discovery of life within, of two blue lines that say, “You’ve done it, you’ve made a baby, hooray.” With this comes an excitement, a joy, and a hope for the future, as well as the responsibility that only parenthood can bring.

Sadly, however, for hundreds of thousands of couples, pregnancy can end in tragedy, leaving them devastated, depressed, angry and alone.

Statistics from leading baby loss organisations show that around 250,000 babies are miscarried each year in the UK alone, 4,000 die through still birth and significant numbers are lost in infancy. That grows to around one million in the United States, and tens of millions globally each year.

So, for everyone reading this article, you may think that you don’t know anyone who has been affected by baby loss, but you will – it’s just that they may not have felt able to share about their personal loss.

Zoe and Andy Clark-Coates, a Christian couple who lost five pre-term babies through miscarriage and missed miscarriage (Coby, Bailey, Darcy, Samuel and Isabella) within the space of three and a half years, never believed that they would be one of these statistics.

Recalling her second pregnancy, Zoe spoke of the moment that she knew she had lost another child.

“We were due to go to a party, but I had been slightly bleeding. So I stayed in bed, constantly doing that maternal stroke of the stomach, which somehow feels like you’re comforting and caring for your child. But when I got up that evening I felt a sudden rush of blood, and I knew my baby had just died.”

A scan two days later showed that their baby had indeed passed away, and baby Darcy’s heart had simply stopped beating. However, unlike a normal miscarriage, Zoe had suffered a missed miscarriage, which meant that her body still retained her precious baby.

Zoe and Andy are now the proud parents of two little girls, Esme, aged four, and Bronte, 21 months, but it’s been a long and painful journey to parenthood, and one that is shared by multitudes of people across the UK and worldwide.

When at the end of 2011, shortly after the birth of their second baby, Zoe and Andy felt led by God to set up an organisation that would allow the lives of lost babies to be remembered and acknowledged, little did they know just what was in store.

Zoe says, “We wanted to give everyone the opportunity to remember the children they have lost and so we created the ‘Saying Goodbye’ organisation in the hope we could help thousands of people recognise their child’s life and pay tribute to them, however short their life was.

“Whether a person loses a baby at four weeks of pregnancy or at any time after, it’s a truly painful experience, and it’s important people’s grief and loss is acknowledged. Any pain can be transformed into a positive experience, but to enable that to happen, the grief must be processed – it needs to find a voice, and it needs to be shared.”

This year, 20 services are being held across the UK to cope with the overwhelming response from the public. To further help people, Saying Goodbye has also launched an international support service, offering help and advice for anyone who has gone through or is going through loss, or for anyone supporting others through loss.

The organisation has now become a charity under the name ‘The Mariposa Trust’, of which Saying Goodbye is the main division. It has partnered with a number of key charities and organisations including Tommy’s, Bliss and World Vision, and has been endorsed by the Association of Early Pregnancy Units.

Support from high-profile names such as Professor Lord Robert Winston, the Archbishop of York, Dr John Sentamu, and Nigella Lawson has given a huge boost to the organisation, whose website gets over 300,000 hits per month.

Dr Sentamu has become an ambassador for the charity. He says, “Love and support from family and friends at such a difficult time is vital. Giving time to grieve in order to begin to come to terms with living with loss needs to be encouraged.

“The Saying Goodbye services give a time and a space for those parents, friends and family to come together, to reflect and to take comfort in each other. It is important that in crisis they know they are not alone. Saying Goodbye is not about forgetting what has gone before us, but life in Christ gives us the strength, courage and hope for a new beginning.”

One of the biggest challenges for Saying Goodbye is changing the view of baby loss.Andy says, “Society has, for a long time, treated baby loss as a taboo subject, something better not talked about in case it offends or upsets. What that has created is almost a feeling that if you lose a baby, you can’t speak about it, and so people, for decades, have gone through baby loss in silence, unable to speak about the pain and trauma they feel.

“Saying Goodbye is working with people who have lost children, 40, 50 and even 60 years ago, who are still in the depths of grief and unable to move forward, as well as people who have lost in the past weeks and months.

“We are trying to lead people to a place of peace, to show that they are not alone, that we, and others, know what they are going through or have gone though, and that their babies do matter.

“So many people are coming to the services, Christians as well as people of other faiths, atheists and agnostics. They come to remember the lives lost or cut short, and the services, which mix music with poetry, personal stories, prayers and acts of remembrance, offer each individual something that is meaningful for them.”

For Zoe and Andy, their strong personal faith has been fundamental in the way they have dealt with their grief and been able to move forward.

“Having a faith and going through that loss has just made me realise how horrendous it must be for people who don’t know God,” Zoe says. “I’ve spoken to women who feel their lives are over, people who have lost 10 or 15 babies, or sometimes even more, and feel that they simply cannot go on.

“We’re delighted to offer people a chance to say goodbye to their children or the children of family and friends. People have said to us that it’s as if their baby never existed; the world just goes on. We’re also hearing from men who feel that they are just a shadow of their former selves after having lost a baby. It’s good to grieve and it’s right to acknowledge your children. If you don’t grieve, it can manifest itself in health and psychological problems, and it’s imperative that people do not get stuck in a cycle of grief.”

As directors and owners of CCEM, a secular event management company, Zoe and Andy are not fazed by the rapid acceleration Saying Goodbye has experienced, as they are confident the hand of God is firmly on their work, and they are excited at seeing so many lives being transformed.

“It is incredible seeing people come into the services, and leave physically, emotionally and mentally changed,” Andy says. “They come with a burden of grief, of loss, and the service allows people to see that there is a way through, that there is a hope. It doesn’t mean that everyone will have the happy ending and have a child, but we hope they can be brought into a place of peace, where they feel they can positively move forward.”

The couple have now started the enormous task of raising a million pounds in the next year to expand the charity’s work in the UK and across the globe. They are asking local churches to take on the £1,000 challenge, where churches commit to raising £1,000 or more in the next year to support the work. They are also looking for individuals, couples or companies who feel able to financially support the organisation, either on a one-off or regular basis.

The services all take place at cathedrals and minsters across the UK, including Chichester, Glasgow, York, Exeter, Ely, Canterbury and Bristol. The format of each is similar, including music from choirs, poetry, readings, prayers and a message of hope.

Zoe adds: “When we started the organisation we did it on the basis that if we could help even one person, then it would be worthwhile, but so far the charity has helped thousands of people, which is so wonderful.

“Our message is this – we all need to grieve, but tears don’t have to end in pain and loneliness. Grief can lead us into a place of wholeness and growth if we let it, and by sharing our stories and allowing our tears to flow, our personal pain can transform us and others.”

Elim General Superintendent John Glass gives the ministry his backing.

He says, “Saying Goodbye is one of the most powerful, timely and effective ministries out there just now. Zoe and Andy Clark-Coates are two amazing people who have sacrificed much to touch thousands of lives with this message, and they carry my unequivocal endorsement.”

 

• For more information, visit www.sayinggoodbye.org

 

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